What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 04:01
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were not on the streets..
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do I sweat so much after shower?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What should I do if I love a girl and she apparently doesn't love me?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
How does a man look at you when he is in love?
She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why does TikTok allow porn stars in its platform? Isn't it aimed at teenagers?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
How do I overcome attachment issues?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What are some mind-blowing facts about Michael Jackson?
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My life is so biszare .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I said to her
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..